No Matter What
Actually, I don’t know what to be written some interesting or funny story or just some idea that is just popped from my mind, I just think I need to write something about all the things filled my mind recently.
After about seven months I have been here I feel like there is no significant progress in both my research and my life. I feel every thing just passed without any meaningful reason and effect in my life. Well, I did get quite good grade for all the lectures, I had taken. I am grateful of that but I thought It could be more than that,,,(even though I said so, I don’t know until what extend or what the concrete example of “more than that”) It makes me think about my senior comment about me “you looks like a lost kitty…just walk and run with confusion (or maybe some certain direction”. The more I think about that..I just realized he might be right. I think I am walking (and even running) with all of my confusion to nowhere. Maybe right now, I am taking my self and my life into nowhere. Moreover, I do not think I know how to put things back into the the right track (if I am in the wrong track) or make things in better way or make things in the sequences in order to reach a certain direction (I don’t even know what I want to achieve and reach).
Well…I do have some target to be reached but honestly, I am not sure whether I want it or not, or I truly want to achieve those targets or not,,I just feel like “okay I have those targets,so what?and after you will had achieved those targets,what’s next?achieving others?what’s the point?and so on”
I know that I need to work hard and I am willing to work hard,,even harder than anyone or till the state I lost my energy if it is necessary..I just do not have any reason to passionately continue my life. Back then, I was told by my advisor in Indonesia “do not try to find motivation in order to do something, just do it with your best and you will see your work well done” and I did that..and I got my work well done and my targets are achieved.. but, It was before that things happened..
People said “you could not move forward if you still looked back into the past” but my past is not something can be easily forgotten and I do not think It was past and what if my past is the part of my future? There hundred times I desperately wish I could go back to those time before things had happened but I know I just can not. How could I fix things here? how could I protect what I want to protect?how could I make her less in burden? how could I put all the things in their right position again?
Seriously, there are also times I want to run away from all these things. I hope I just can disappear silently without make her sad (because I know I might be her last strength). I wish I got crazy and just forget things easily.I wish I could just left everything behind and selfishly move forward with all the things I want… I just know I can not…