I know it’s already 28 of December,,,and people are preparing the new year this time,,,
I just want to write (and share) things happened in (around) Christmas time here. This was my second Christmas (and birthday) without my family. The fact is for 23 years of Christmas (and birthday), I used to celebrate it (them) with my family. Well…I got a unique feeling after celebrating it without my family, especially this year. I can say that my last year’s Christmas was full of lonely, uncomfortable, and sad feeling I hide from people. I got the joy (maybe) but I also got the sorrow. Yeah…quite many tears had fallen last year. Thus, I didn’t expect too much of happy and joyful things this year. Moreover, it’s December, the month that has pretty bad record these past years. Plus, I started this month with a pretty bad – or an awful – presentation I delivered at my lab. Yep…awful enough to make my professor upset. But, yeaaaah that’s fine, awful thing happened, I just need to smile, that’s the least thing I can do. Just move on and be a better person.
After the awful presentation, I was ready for Christmas (and all the preparation). I didn’t know how but I ended up having quite a lot of things to do. Since November, I had been picked to help Sunday School Student doing their performance and I was happy to help. But, It seems to be I was also picked to serve as a singer at the Christmas service. Then, like two weeks before Christmas, one of my friend asked me to help him making schedule for youth choir and at the same time, one of my senior asked me to lead carolling and the next week, my other friend asked me to be narrator in Christmas celebration (which in the end I did not need to do). An the craziest thing was, how could I said yes to all of them?! well not all of them I said no for two request but in the end (after negotiating) I said fine. I thought if that’s the least thing I can help them, well…I am happy to help. But, It seems I was not helping them at all but troubling them (and others) with the tight and overlapping schedule I got. In the end, I did trouble some of them because I can not handle one or two of my works. Yeah…I thought I was helping them yet I troubled them.
I was leading carolling with a worry feeling that I couldn’t do it well. Beside, I kind of mad with a certain person. It was totally on me. My fault. I feel sorry for being persistent and could not control myself. There is no excuse for that. I was not humble and I do not have a heart that is facing to Him alone. Another lesson for me. I don’t know why I still lead the carolling back then. But, me is not matter, the glory of His name is. I did reconciled with that person – how can’t I. This experience really worried me for the next day and the next two days which was Christmas.
Could I do well? Was I appropriate to serve Him? Could I face this person with smile and ordinary me? Should I step back? many things I worried about. I had prayed and asked Him to give me strength and more humble heart. I told Him that me is not matter and I just want to face my heart to You alone.
During the Christmas carolling, people really helped me to manage things. I am grateful. Indeed, this sloppy me did many mistakes and did not know how to manage things. I am grateful for this fellowship. I am grateful the fellow believers understand me though I did a lot of mistakes.
At the Christmas Service, yep…of course me,,,the super sloppy me,,,also did hundreds mistakes. Another lesson for me that I should spare more time for practicing. This brain of mine is really unreliable, it has really short memory that I tend to easily forget things especially after I get to sleep. I am indeed a bit stupid.
He, the one who always knows me well, never let me down. Though I was guilty and worry about all my mistakes, He knows how to comfort me. When I was preparing youth choir performance, one of my Sunday School Students said, “Nee, sensei. Ganbatte!” (how can I translate it in English ” Hey, teacher. Good luck/fighting/put your hard work/do your best”) I was so touched that time yet grateful. It was like receiving word directly from Him. Indeed, children really unconsciously make their surrounding beautiful, joyful, and bright. Well, it might be a really usual experience for you. But, for me it is a really heart-warming experience. You know, though I have been here for more than a year, my Japanese is unbelievably suck. When preparing Sunday School students for their performance, communicating with them is really difficult for me. I use many body language rather than Japanese. I smile, nod, and only use really short sentence – even a word to communicate with them. For me, got unpredictable response like “Daijobu!” or “Ganbatte!” from them is somehow like a heart-warmer for me. I am really grateful. Nothing I can say but grateful for every little joyful thing and every lesson He gave me.
Thank you Lord that by Your strength I got through all of these. Thank you that even I was worry to experience the last year’s hidden-empty-lonely-and-sad Christmas, as I count every joyful things you gave me, I am grateful and indeed blessed. I am full because of You.