Just Some Story of Mine

Lord is My Portion

A Miktam of David.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

(Psalms 16, ESV)

These days, except dealing with my own heart and loving people. I’ve been also asking Him two questions. I think I am in life-quarter-crisis now. So many questions popped up in my mind. What I have been doing lately in my life? Why there is no significant progression in my life? What my life is about? What I had achieved? What I am going to next? Why my current situation seems insignificant? Why my life now is not going to anywhere good and significant for people around me, for my society, for my family?
Looking people around who are advancing so much in their life, somehow made a lot of pressure in my mind, but then I ask myself, aren’t you going to learn to be content, are you? you know that if you keep looking around, looking to what people have will give you nothing but anxiety.
So, back to these two question, one is what I am going to do next? like after completing my study. Honestly, I have this urgency feeling about the answer of this question because I need to decide the next target in order to make a plan. Well…I know my life now is moving soooo far from what I planned before, 3 or 4 years ago. I have this feeling to make a blue-print of my life for years ahead. I never really learn that I don’t have control in everything especially future, but I also don’t want to walk my life without any plan. I love control and I very much hate uncertainty.

Then, what about this miktam of David. I think it remind me one thing that is certain, yes, I loveee this! His faithfulness. His preservation throughout my life. So, what if I don’t have any plan yet? The Israelite also didn’t know what they would eat day after day in the wilderness, but God provided them manna in the morning and quail in the evening. Did He ever abandoned them? 40 years in the wilderness, not even a single day He ever abandoned them.
I am not saying you don’t need any plan for your life. I learned my lesson before that my plan can be gone wrong, because what is matter is not my plan but His plan, and I don’t have any control to what’s going to happen tomorrow. Now, I am learning to know more what His plan is in my life, day by day walking with faith that He will reveal it to me, day by day fighting to be faithful in every opportunity He gives to me, day by day learning to love Him and His people more, day by day finding His guidance, day by day trying to be grateful for every circumstances He puts me into…

It is a looooong journey, it is stressful since I like control and perfection. But the good news is I can always protest, ask Him, and be depressed in front of Him every time I want. Because, he knows me the best that I am only dust. And no matter how insignificant my life will turn out to be, He will never stop loving me and take care of me because I am the apples of His eyes.

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